About 22 years ago a well-known spiritual leader in South Africa, Cassie Carstens, who is also a friend of mine was visiting a refuge camp in Tanzania. He went there to give leadership training to the leaders of the refugees in the camp. This training was believed to be a solution to the escalating number of problems in this fast-growing community. A community that was devastated by the violent fighting between government forces and rebels, both wanting control of the country. People who fled their homes, and villages looking for protection and food. He had his consultant hat on and decided to have short one-on-ones with some of the prominent leaders, to help him understand them and their challenges better. These interviews changed his life for good.
The first person, a pastor of his community church, and a clear leader of men, explained to him how the rebel forces entered their village and lined them up from the youngest to the oldest. They were armed with machetes and automatic rifles – men and boys between the ages of 13 and 25 years. Without explanation, they started on the one end of the line where the youngest was standing. They grabbed a small boy of about 6 years old, and cut off first his hands, continuing upwards, then his legs, leaving him alive as long as possible before chopping the rest of him up in pieces. This broken man looked at Cassie and said:” If that was someone else’s boy, it would have been very bad, but that boy was my own grandson. The rest of the group were held at gunpoint and forced to watch while they went down the line. Somewhere in the middle was a young pregnant woman. They started by cutting the baby from her womb before cutting her to pieces… this was the man’s own daughter. The leaders from different villages, that came after him, had similar stories to tell leaving Cassie in shock, and this changed his life forever.
But why am I telling this sad, shocking story in my article?
I have been partnering with companies like MCA Training International for many years focusing on equipping and developing leaders. We are convinced that companies and countries stand or fall around leaders. But the essence of the story is that most of the young men who were doing these cruel things to fellow human beings had one thing in common, a complete absence of a healthy father figure. Looking at the reality of the world we live in today there are some shocking statistics to prove this point:
- 63% of suicides come from fatherless homes.
- 80% of rapists motivated by displaced anger come from fatherless homes.
- 70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes.
- 40% of all children do not live with their biological father.
- 85% of children with behavioural problems come from fatherless homes.
- 90% of homeless children come from fatherless homes.
- 71% of children who do not finish school come from fatherless homes.
Stephen Baskerville, an American political scientist, author, and professor is known for his research and writings on family policy, marriage, divorce, and fatherhood. He said: “Virtually every major social pathology has been linked to fatherlessness. Violent crime, drug and alcohol abuse, teen pregnancy, suicide – all correlate more strongly to fatherlessness than to any other single factor. The connection with fatherlessness is so strong that it erases the relationships between race & crime and low income & crime”
In many of my interactions with leaders, I liken their role to that of parenting. Every child is born with a question that his dad needs to answer. One question hidden in many:
- Am I good enough?
- Do I have what it takes?
- Am I loved?
And unfortunately, statistics are showing that men and therefore fathers are really missing the point. Just this weekend, I was speaking at a men’s conference, when one of the men spoke about a manufacturing company that was in an area in the Western Cape that is ravaged by gangsterism. One former gang leader warned a senior manager that he needn’t fear the gangs. Pointing to a little boy playing in the street, he said the following: “That boy doesn’t have a father. The gangs target them, offer them love, and make them feel important, a place where they feel recognised… Before they know it, they have a weapon in their hands, willing to do anything to make their “mentors” proud.”
Fatherlessness is not only the complete physical absence of a dad, but fathers who are at home, but never present – either physically working, emotionally disconnected or abusive, fathers who don’t show up when they need to be there.
The impact of fatherlessness is also evident in boardrooms, EXCO’s, MANCO’s and first-line management. Men go all out to prove their worth, looking for the answer to their question that was never answered. There is no doubt that the world needs a father.
In this article, I am specifically speaking to the men. We can all make a conscious decision to:
- Be present and involved. We can engage with our own children, but also nieces and nephews. Tell them that we love them and appreciate them. Tell them that they are good enough.
- Mentor and support boys and young men without fathers, consciously being a positive male role model.
- Volunteer and get involved with organisations helping fathers, families, and youth.
- Advocate and support policies that promote responsible fatherhood and family well-being.
- Break cycles of fatherlessness. Strive to be a positive father figure for the next generation.
- Educate ourselves and learn about the impact of fatherlessness and effective fathering practices.
- Support single mothers and offer help and resources to mothers raising children alone.
- Embrace our roles and recognise the importance of your influence as a father, uncle, or mentor.
- Build a community where we foster connections among men, fathers, and families to create support networks, and
- Lead by example and show others what positive fatherhood looks like.
As we work together to improve leaders all over the world, let’s remember that the world is suffering under the weight of fatherlessness. We all are carrying the scars of our imperfect fathers (if we are lucky). Others need to find their way without a positive example or influence of a father figure. If we live consciously and work together, we can make the world a better place, starting with our own wounds, and healing families, towns, countries and the world, one father at a time.
Love and respect.
Stefan Lessing
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