I’m currently reading The Life You’ve Always Wanted by John Ortberg. One section that has stayed with me is what he calls “approval addiction.” It’s not a term I had heard before, but it immediately resonated with me.
The more I reflect on it, the more I see how this addiction affects our behaviour in every role we play. I experience it in my marriage. I experience it as a parent. I experience it as a leader in our company.
Once I became aware of it in myself, I started recognising it in the people around me—those I work with, my friends, and virtually everyone I relate to. No one is completely excluded from this addiction, although it plays out differently in each person. The irony is that every time we seek approval in this way, we move a little further away from our true self and genuine connection with others. People may approve of the version we present, but deep down we know they are not fully responding to who we really are.
As leaders, we may soften difficult feedback because we want to be liked. In marriage, we may say “I’m fine” when we’re actually hurt or disappointed. As parents, we may avoid setting necessary boundaries because we fear damaging the relationship with our children. We begin editing ourselves, presenting a version that is more likely to earn approval than the authentic truth.
Many people become whatever they think others want them to be in order to gain acceptance and approval. In the process, they often lose a sense of who they really are. It is exhausting because you seldom get to simply be yourself.
What fascinates me is that approval itself is not the issue. The same compliment can produce completely different reactions in different people. A compliment from one lady about my wife’s dress or hair may make her feel wonderful. The same compliment from another person may leave her indifferent, or in some circumstances even upset her.
The difference lies in our conviction about the person giving the approval or disapproval. What we believe about that person determines the weight their opinion carries in our hearts.
The greatest danger of approval addiction is that it can rob us of our ability to live, speak, and act authentically. It slowly exchanges freedom for performance. Ortberg says approval addiction causes us to “shade the truth”. He refers to the subtle ways we alter reality in order to gain acceptance or avoid disapproval. We may not tell outright lies, but we adjust our words, opinions, emotions, or actions to create a more favourable impression. Rick Warren said, “When you live for people’s approval, you will die by their rejection.” The opposite is also true: when your identity is secure, both praise and criticism lose their power to define you.
In business, there can be significant operational consequences when the desire for approval outweighs the willingness to make an unpopular but necessary decision. The pursuit of character and sustainable long-term results must always outweigh the temporary feeling that comes from being liked by our teams, departments, clients, or families.
The more we depend on someone’s approval, the more power we give them over our emotional well-being. Their praise can lift us up, and their criticism can crush us. Eventually, we begin to resent that power. The very people whose approval we desperately seek can become the people we quietly resent. Not because they demanded this power, but because we have given it to them.
There is nothing wrong with healthy praise for a task well done. How boring would life be if we couldn’t cheer and shout and praise when artists and sport people ‘wow’ us with their unbelievable talents. A pat on the back of your child after receiving a good report from school motivates her to do even better. Thanking a staff member in front of his peers in a meeting for going the extra mile should never be withheld. It is when the need for approval starts imprisoning us that we need to take notice. As Lao Tzu observed: “Care about what other people think, and you will always be their prisoner.”
Freedom begins when approval becomes something we appreciate rather than something we require. Once approval is no longer necessary for our sense of worth, we can tell the truth more courageously, receive criticism more calmly, and love people more genuinely—because we are no longer trying to extract our identity from others.
As with any meaningful change, awareness is the first step. Acknowledgement follows. Then comes the difficult part: choosing, day after day, to resist approval addiction in pursuit of a freer, more authentic self, healthier relationships, stronger leadership, and more sustainable results.
Are you aware of your addiction?
Can you recognise the impact it has on your life and on the world that needs the free version of you?
Are you honest enough to acknowledge it?
Are you brave enough to change it?
With Love
Stefan Lessing
If your leadership team is performing for approval rather than leading with conviction, MCA Training International can help. Contact us to start the conversation.