How Leaders Get It Wrong
In many of my group leadership coaching sessions, I have come to realise that there is a deep misunderstanding of the word respect. As part of a values exercise, delegates are requested to choose 10 words (ends values) from a long list. Almost every leader I work with selects “respect” as one of these values. Yet when we unpack what that word means to each person, it becomes clear that the same word carries different histories, emotions, expectations, and interpretations.
Values sit at the heart of human behaviour. They shape our thoughts, influence our feelings, and dictate our attitudes toward people, projects, and situations—often unconsciously. During my values coaching process, I guide delegates through a selection and elimination exercise until they arrive at four or five words they believe matter most in their lives. I then ask them to write a short statement about what each value means to them and why it is important.
It is usually in discussions that follow that real insight emerges: the same value can hold completely different meanings for different people. Even when team members agree on the same word such as respect, their internal definitions may be miles apart. This leaves a large margin for misunderstanding and conflict, even among well-intentioned leaders.
As the leaders in the room reflect on the best leader they ever had, two themes always appear: they had deep, well-earned respect for that manager—and they also felt genuinely respected by them. When we unpack their descriptions, we consistently find humility, empathy, fairness, support, authenticity, and a sense that the manager believed in them. This is where leaders begin to see the true nature of respect. It is not based on performance, posture, or demands. It is a relational experience created through daily behaviour. And it shows us exactly how to “earn” our team’s respect: by becoming the kind of leader who creates safety, trust, and belonging.
The Illusion of “Respect Is Earned”
Many people confidently proclaim that “respect is earned,” yet they continue offering respect to those who have not earned it—because of culture, upbringing, hierarchy, societal norms, or fear of consequences.
I once heard a young Ghanaian man describe an encounter with an authority figure who demanded respect by ordering him to stand up straight. As he stood rigidly, he thought to himself: “My body is standing up straight, but in my mind I am sitting down.” Was that respect? Or compliance?
Respect, Maslow, and the Need for Acceptance
If we link this to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, respect sits in the higher layers—above love and belonging. Respect is not merely about behaviour; it is a psychological state that only becomes authentic when we have transcended our dependency on others for acceptance.
Respect is both an internal attitude of valuing life and humanity and an external demonstration through behavior that treats others—and oneself—with dignity, fairness, and consideration. It is earned through consistent integrity and care, and it sustains healthy relationships, effective leadership, and harmonious communities.
We can only truly earn respect when we fully love and accept ourselves. Before that, our interactions often attempt to seek affirmation. And when we operate from that place—when our words and actions are driven by the need for validation—we often achieve the opposite of respect.
Respect as a Reflection of Inner Life
Our behaviour is always a reflection of our inner world. Our words and actions flow from our state of mind, which in turn flows from our deeper convictions about ourselves, other people, God, and the way we believe life works.
When we feel an unbalanced need to be treated with respect, the real question is not, “Why don’t people respect me?” The real question is: “What fear or insecurity inside me is asking for this?” This honest reflection and introspection lays the foundation for a leadership journey that is free from the need for acknowledgement.
The Leader Who No Longer Needs Respect
When leaders free themselves from the need to receive respect, they often begin to give respect more naturally. This marks the beginning of true self-esteem. From there, the journey toward self-actualisation becomes possible—a place where you know your value, live from your true identity, and no longer require validation to anchor your behaviour.
Ultimately, any sustainable influence a leader has on their team, travels through the heart, not the head. Real respect cannot be forced through authority or extracted through fear, it is given (and received) freely when people feel valued, seen, and accepted. Becoming the kind of leader who truly earns the respect of their team begins with loving and accepting yourself and flows naturally into loving and accepting others unconditionally. It is the shift from needing something from your people to being free to serve them. When leaders reach that place, respect is no longer something they chase. It becomes something they effortlessly inspire.
With Love and Respect
Stefan Lessing
Looking to support your leaders in building trust, self-awareness, and real respect? Get in touch with us to start the conversation.
Explore more leadership insights in our MCA Blog.