This theme came to me, like so often when I’m out exercising. As I cycled between the Fynbos of the Western Cape, I wondered about the principles of sustainable, healthy relationships. Why do certain people come and go in our lives, and others remain forever? You would have heard the saying:” Some people are in our lives for a season, some for a reason, and others for a lifetime (or something like that).” But why? What is the difference between the relationships that last for a lifetime, and those that wither away after a season? Many friendships start around a common interest. It could be a hobby, a project (personal or corporate), that we are involved in, and lasts only as long as this interest lasts. But what makes the relationship outlive a common interest?
There seem to be a few ingredients forming the cement of lasting healthy relationships. In this article, I share four (4) pillars, that I thought about, that are present in all the lasting relationships in my life, and in their absence, explain why others ended at some stage. Please note that I am not suggesting that these will always be the reason why relations last, or end, but they are common in all the healthy relationships that I have seen.
- Alignment of Values
Values run deeply and are complicated. Values don’t have to be consciously chosen or known to a person for it to affect one’s life. Values are a natural result of being part of a community – family, school, religion, etc. It is a result of a conscious or subconscious choice to live according to certain key ingredients, that are important to us – something deeply personal – be it family, integrity, financial freedom, or personal expression – the list is endless. But the important thing to consider in this article about values is the fact that values are the compass that determine the direction of our lives, they influence our thoughts on matters, our choices, decisions, and emotions. Values are not necessarily clear when people meet, but values WILL determine if their paths remain parallel or separate at some time in the future. It doesn’t even mean that one party must be wrong and the other right. It doesn’t always mean that one party is to be blamed… it simply happens. In some cases, when people are too afraid or believe they are unable to leave, they would remain in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship. This is true in our personal or professional lives – friendships, marriages, teams, companies, departments, and even countries. It is a powerful life skill to be aware of and consciously choose positive values. Deliberately determine what’s important to the people you are in relationships with, review, and if possible, align your values with each other, without compromising your own. It is possible to change one’s values, but it will always have “life-changing” results.
- Trust
One of the key ingredients in trust is one’s perception or conviction of the alignment of the other parties’ values with your own. We often get this wrong as a result of a specific setting, or common interest, but often at the end of the project realise there is very little to sustain it. A project at work, where the relationship is based on the other parties’ knowledge or skills, is needed. We can even raise children in a family home that keeps couples together; until there is a sense or a notion, that we don’t see life through the same lenses, we ‘want’ different things in life. Different things are important to us, but more importantly, the conviction that the other party is only in it for personal gain. All these things indicate that our values are not aligned (as suggested in the section above). Add to this the risk of getting hurt when one got burned before, and you will find serious trust issues in relationships. For a relationship to last and be healthy, both parties need to be able to trust the other party’s intention. Even though we all make mistakes and always will, one needs to be convinced that the other means well. Trust is built on the following important convictions about the other person. Convictions necessary for any lasting healthy trust relationship:
- He knows what he’s doing.
- She won’t let me down.
- I feel safe with him, and
- She’s not in it for just her own personal gain.
The thing about trust is, that regardless of your view on trust, your relationships will experience the result of your view on trust. And lastly; the only way to create trust is to risk trusting others.
- Affirmation
I’m sure you also have someone like this in your family, (some families have more than one)—the person who is always cracking jokes at the expense of those around them. I don’t know the one in your family, but the one in our (extended) family does this to compensate for his own lack of self-esteem. It’s one thing if a family member keeps throwing you under the bus – we can’t choose family, but we can and should choose our friends carefully.
Everyone is born with a deep-rooted need for significance. The need to feel you and your opinions matter. In certain relationships emotional badgering is the norm… someone constantly telling you how stupid you are, leading to a growing sense of one’s insignificance. Healthy relationships flourish in an environment where both parties say and do things to make the other stronger, better, and happier. This doesn’t mean that they always agree, but when there is a disagreement, they don’t humiliate each other… And when one does say something upsetting to the other, it is always followed by a heartfelt, sincere apology, and admittance of one’s mistake, and the relationship ends up stronger afterwards.
Affirmations are not always 100% the truth. Sometimes it is a way to change something that is wrong into something better – by focusing on the potential the other party has. Searching for something positive to say.
Affirmations motivate, energise, and uplift.
- Acceptance
The last pillar in my ‘book of sustainable friendships’ is acceptance… We are human, and if your friend hasn’t disappointed you yet, guess what, it’s only a matter of time. True, lasting friendships are not between two perfect people, but between imperfect parties who acknowledge their own AND the friend’s imperfection and choose to remain friends regardless. This creates a safe environment, and in a funny way puts pressure on both parties to do better. Acceptance of others starts with the realisation that I need it from those I relate to. We need to focus on ourselves.
Samual Johnson is famous for his quote:
”He who hath so little knowledge of human nature as to seek happiness by changing anything but his own disposition, will waste his life in fruitless efforts and multiply the grief he proposes to remove.”
We need to stop looking for the perfect friend and start practising being one.
I’d like to end off with this quote I read online by an unknown writer:
“True friendship is firstly to appreciate our similarities, and secondly to respect our differences.”
Love and Respect
Stefan Lessing
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